So very lonely being me, Idk what to do?

It strikes me that you can articulate the problem so eloquently yet be completely clueless about solutions. Perhaps it would help for you to understand that people can do very little to directly control their feelings, a little more to control their thoughts, and quite a lot to control their actions. When you start choosing right actions, your thoughts and feelings will gradually change. You will see that you are becoming the person you want to be and you will begin to feel hope and to believe that positive change is possible. I believe that the human capacity for adaptation is enormous and that small changes are fairly easy. Many small changes in the right direction can take you really far. My problems are not the same as yours but a couple years ago I was just as lost as you. Therapy and medication have allowed me to become much happier, much more capable, and to again be useful to myself and others beyond what I could ever have imagined. Give yourself a break and try something different. Your old ways are clearly not working for you. Help is available even if you have no money at all. You might start with a suicide hotline, an evaluation at your community mental health center, or one of the many self-help groups for depression, addiction, bipolar disorder, anxiety, etc. Seeking help is unlikely to put you at risk for institutionalization. These days, it is hard to get that even if you want it. The better you learn to take responsibility for your actions the less potential you have of winding up in jail, which is where most people with mental illness wind up. So please find a psychologist, and MD or psych ARNP, a clinical worker, a pastoral counselor, or some other professional who can help you to find your way. I promise you that life can be infinitely better than what you have today.